Cut To The Quick

This a continuation of my previous blog, Razor's Edge.
I had finally decided that I would try God on for size and see what He would do for me, so I went on a fast. The preparation time for this 3 day fast was about 2 months. I wanted to go about it the right way, so I began to eliminate one thing from my habits a week, until the actual fast. As part of the preparation process, I also wrote down a list of all my sins and a list of all the people that I had offended or had offended me, I had to set this all right. That was a difficult and long process, but it began the process of setting me free! On the day of the fast, I made 2 gallons of juice, both fruit and vegetable, I was ready for 3 days of only liquid!
All was going well and God was moving on my behalf, even though I still wasn't living according to His word, He was reeling me in. I was still pretending at this point, I was on the roller coaster of relationship going through moments of inspiration, condemnation and re-dedication. I hadn't learned that God loved and desired a relationship with me no matter my circumstances. I was still under the impression that God was somehow surprised or offended by my behavior. It was pretty ugly. I had done it again, messed with the wrong people and this time gotten drunk and high and messed around with someone who was dating a friend of mine, some friend I was. I was so made with my actions, I was tired of playing this game with God, I got mad and did what I did best, got wasted! I was belligerent, I was having it all out with Him, cursing Him and telling Him what I thought. Finally I screamed out to Him, "If you want me dead, kill me!"
Suddenly images began to flash through my mind of times that I should have died and didn't. For example, http://jacksonville.com/tu-online/stories/112699/met_1355437.html. This is the link to a story of a former friend of mine, we were both working the restaurant that night and I happened to park in the front parking lot, which I never did. So when we were leaving, he went out the back and I went out the front. I got in my car and drove away.
When they were rebuilding the bridge in Panama City, Florida, I used to live there and work on the beach. I had to cross that bridge no less than 2 times a day. One evening while we were "celebrating" a friends graduation, I took several anti-anxiety pills and drank over a 12 pack of beer by myself. I then proceeded to get in my truck and drive home. On the way I decided to kill myself and drive off the bridge, which wouldn't have been too difficult seeing that there were no guard rails to stop me. I couldn't even turn the wheel, then at the top of the bridge I blacked out and made the 10 mile drive home safely!
There are many more instances, but these are just two of the examples of how God kept me safe. That moment was so hard to understand, God wanted me alive! God wanted me here! God wanted me! It began to break my paradigm of how things were and who God is. He had become personal and to know that He loved me like this really did cut to the quick!